Footnote: Not that there’s going to be a quiz anytime soon about Modern Interplanetary Religion, but…

Believe it or not, Scout Aeblis (our purple bunny friend there) isn’t a Christian, but a Pangean.

To best explain the difference, if Christianity’s Bible is Judaism’s Tanach with a few extra volumes tacked on, the Pangean Record is the Tanach, Christian Bible, Koran, a pinch of the Book of Mormon, and at least two other books written on different planets all strung together, put through three translations, run through a shredder, pasted back together in the order that made the most sense… and only then made it to the Editing department, but not before Legal got its claws into it.

The Pangean Record is, in short, the most politically correct religious document in the galaxy, documenting the tales of a planet dubbed Pangea where every known and recognized sentient species* lives together and ends up acting out several biblical tales, with interference being run not by any recognizable species, but by supernatural points of light meant to be stand-ins for angels and demons.  Each tale is starred by a duo of biblical characters, even if said pairing never existed in the original documents — Jesus and Magdalene er, Maggie, in this case, have been transformed into an Anyr and a Kendril acting out a poor man’s rendition of Romeo and Juliet.

If you think THAT was a bad adaptation, you should go read the Pangean version of Sodom and Gomorrah. If you don’t have time for the full story, just skip ahead to the part where Sodom and Gomorrah end up in the strip club.

*Footnote to the Footnote: Adharia’s species (not to mention that of her new horned friend) are not currently included in the Pangean Record, and won’t be until their planet (and species) are officially recognized. This is a blessing in disguise, since there’s always a minor holy war whenever the Pangea Corporation has to come out with a new edition of the gospel.

Footnote: Certain slang comes and goes — but “Glitter” is almost universally understood in this case to refer to nanotechnology, especially the type that people like to use to stay healthy. Different types of Glitter abound, but generic Glitter works to stay blood-borne and help prop up the natural immune systems of their hosts.

In Adharia’s case, she’s suffering not from any deficiencies in her actual health, but from her recent immigration. It takes time to become sufficiently “infected” with good nanotechnology, and from a colonization standpoint, she’s about as healthy as an eight-month-old baby.

Ironically, the presence of programmable immune systems has managed to eradicate most natural diseases… but if you think computer security is bad now, imagine having to include anti-virus in your healthcare costs and trying to counter heartworms.

Remember, folks — No matter who you trust, always practice safe hex.